QUILLA GUERILLA CALLIN….Constant catch up with London pop t(art)

Our brand new La Bouche Gossip Columnist, Quilla Constance exclusively spills the beans  from Lambeth County Court…


Photo by Andrew Crowe. All Rights Reserved 2012

“You’re nicked sunshine!” – QC [me!!] kicks ass in the Lambeth County Court.

I laughed and watched as ashen faced neo promoters FEEDME MUSIC left Lambeth County Court on January 16th 2012.

Shocked, out of pocket and with their tails firmly up their bjewelled asses they slunk out into the barmy air of SE11 following a lambasting from the beak.

During the 60 minute court hearing, the judge confirmed that the FMM performers contract is officially unfair under Sections 3 (2)(b)(ii) and 11 of the Unfair Contract Terms Act 1977.

Now read the full story!

14.00 hrs

Darren Groanfool and Kay Leavage, aka Directors of FMM had seemed overawed and out of their depth as they twitched nervously pre-court.

The court clerk emerged from the courtroom to call the defendants. After a slight pause, he swiftly strolled past the mumbling/oblivious FMM into the lobby.

Continuing to call the dynamic duo to book, it dawned on FMM that they’d better do something.

My team had already been recognised of course, 2 Equity Representatives, my manager and moi….(clad in a black jump suit, Matrix-esque black coat and big hair complete with fluffy white muffs).

We headed into the courtroom and took our seats = Style.

Hapless – FMM scuttled after the clerk, ready, piercings a jangling, to doff their bleached forelocks and fawn before the hurried ex-public schoolboy, finally stuttering: “..ip ep ip ep…er….duuuuuuuuh…it’s us mister….mister? ….it’s us, FMM…the contract control freaks who promise:

to give ‘young fledgling bands’ the fiscal mugging of a lifetime.

a guarantee that you’ll pay to play,

a dead cert you’ll pay if you cancel,

and you won’t play as long as we promote for PUNK, the rich Soho poseurs in whose pockets we reside,

who can decide to cancel our night [at your expense naturally] in favour of a lucrative corporate do.

Clearly their recent charisma bypasses were working perfectly .

Dazed and confused by their journey from FMM HQ [aka ‘Ripoff Central – We’re here to fleece your ambitious asses’], they FINALLY realised that their bullshit was over.

FMM shuffled in to the court and sheepishly asked for permission to take their seats.

After some confusion as to which of the 2 seats offered to occupy, they sat down and got ready to tune in.

Heads down and sporting tired overgrown yellow spiky barnets, they now knew to expect the worst.


The beak informed the court that he’d scanned the documents pre-trial and asked me [QC] to make my case.

Evidently, one set of papers made sense, the other roll of recycled bog paper from FMM was nonsense.

The claimant’s, me [QC], case was well prepared, intelligent, coherent, logical and downright right for gawds sake.

Needless to say, this contrasted sharply with the barely comprehensible grunts and fumblings of FMM who once again seemed overwhelmed and twitchy.

Therefore the judge had no hesitation in summing up with:

”……QC had spent considerable time and money on PR-ing the event , putting the required effort as advised “100% effort into promoting…”

By the time FMM had unilaterally cancelled the contract , 43 sales had been made and another 73 people had said that they were coming…..

….the Contract is unfairly weighted in favour of the defendant…. [cue FMM gibbering and incandescent with shame]…In my view, the contract is unfair and not binding….”

FMM, heads in hands, were stung for QC ticket sales, travel, court fees and given 14 days to pay.

= Well and truely nicked!

15:10 hrs

As for me [QC], after the hearing I rushed to a nearby phone box in which I changed into full costume and became QC[me].

I took my twinkling disco outfit and spandexed ass back to the court steps. Here I proceded to quaff a whole bottle of Bollinger whilst being papped up to the max.

Then we all went for more bubbly, oysters and sushi at the St. Pancras Hotel before travelling first class on the last train back home.

Worried that FMM, the 2007 Indie Promoter of the Year, can’t afford to cough up?

Fear not!, they’ll have mugged plenty of pop wannabeindieblandgullibles by then.

And have money in the bank.

In summary, this ain’t just about unfair backstreet promoters, but the bands themselves who seemingly prefer to sit back and let themselves get shafted.

FMM contract is officially unfair…that’s now proven in court. So we don’t need to put up with this crap anymore.

If your band has signed it and been ordered to shell out £50 – £100 under the cancellation clause, you’re entitled to a full refund as the cancellation clause pre January 16th 2012 is not legally enforceable.


You can catch up with the legal particulars of this case in Equity Union Magazine, Spring Edition…out real soooooon!!!!



Filed under Art, Constant Catch up, Music, Uncategorized

5 responses to “QUILLA GUERILLA CALLIN….Constant catch up with London pop t(art)

  1. Kushla

    Marvellous – go Quilla go! let’s hope FMM are now educated enough to change their contract.

  2. fishwife's broadside

    Good work comrade Quilla Guerilla
    Congratulations on the away win from all here at Billy Stupid’s Circus.
    Love, Kisses and Respect
    Born Again Hooligan

  3. arthur luggage

    Very funny article, especially since it’s at the ripoff promoter’s expense. Mischievous bona fide punk protest gets results -come on people, don’t pay to play….set your megaphones to ’11’, crank up the portable P.A. system, get on the streets and perform outside venues such as the ridiculously moniker’d PUNK. Accessible, DIY, scathing and downright funny.Go QC!! xx arthur luggage

  4. Trace

    Just read the article about this in Equity Magazine. Fascinating, fantastic work Quilla and great that it’s been posted out to 50,000+ Equity Members! It’s ingenious & you’ve certainly had the last laugh (many times over) at the expense of those BS promoters. Really like your style girl & you look stunning XX Trace

  5. BB

    Quilla’s win in court highlights the fact that an unfair contract is not legally binding. Read all about it in Equity Union Magazine, Spring Edition 2012:
    (PAGE 11)

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